It's My Life Now

Oh, I know....I haven't been writing much and there are a few people who care.  One asked me if I'd unclenched my blogging.  No, I haven't, I've just been so darn busy.  I'm retired, you'd think I had all the time in the world.  Well, I do, but when you have all the time in the world you do lots of stuff.  And you sometimes don't do much at all if the weather is so crappy that you get seasonal affective disorder, like I do every Winter.  So in November and December  I slept until at least 9 every morning, schlepped around the house doing almost nothing, did lots of crossword puzzles and sudoku puzzles, read books, did not watch daytime TV because I hate it--but somehow the days went by and in January the S.A.D. lifted and I came out of hibernation.

Around that same time my brother got out of jail.  I was the one who had to pick him up at the jail at 9:30 in the morning.  He came loping out with a ragged red t-shirt, camo pants and boots.  I almost didn't recognize him because he'd cut his hair.  No more street-bum shaggy long hair.  His attitude seemed different, he talked a mile a minute, high on his freedom, asked me to take him to a place he could buy dvds, and then we came to my house and I gave him a nice lunch and his Christmas presents.  The time in jail seemed to have made him realize he'd been wasting his time and talent and he talked about turning over a new leaf, he'd get organized and paint more and display his paintings in coffee shops.  It made me feel good to think maybe he would.

But of course people who have been living a certain way for decades can rarely change that fast and within 3 weeks he was out of money and wondering how he was going to pay the rent.  It should have been a clue to me, duh! I say to myself now, that the first thing he wanted to do after he got out of the Kitsap County Jail was buy dvds.  At that point he had enough in his bank account to pay his rent for 3 months.  3 weeks later it was all gone.  I'd paid his rent for 3 of the 6 months he'd been in jail and his trust had paid it for 3 months.  When he called to cry on my shoulder that he didn't have rent or food money it was that final straw--my back was broken.  I'd kept that "sweet" rental home for him for 6 months.  For 3 years I'd been his rock, his advisor, his wailing wall, his big sister.  Before that I'd taken care of my Mom for 10 years, after my Dad died.  At least she appreciated all the time and effort I put in to help her and to try to make her life as good as possible.  My brother never really did.

So....I put an end to it.  I told him "No More!"  I told him I didn't want him to call me anymore.  I didn't want to hear anything more about his messy, chaotic life.  I didn't want to hear how he had no money left to pay rent, buy groceries or pay his electric bill. I didn't want to drive him to the food bank because he'd used up all his gas.  I didn't want to pick him up at the emergency room because he went there in an ambulance.

 He is so lucky he has an apartment at all.  He is so lucky he has a trust that will pay for his phone, his car insurance, his gas, the food for his cat.  He doesn't realize how lucky he is.  There are people living on the street who would give anything to have what he has and one day he will probably be one of them, when all the trust money is used up and all the good will of the few friends he has left.

I cannot even describe what I feel like since I did that.  It was the biggest gift I have given myself in many, many years, maybe in my whole life.  I took my life back.  I gave the stress away.  I allowed myself to enjoy the years I have left, to help those I really want to help, like my kids and my grandkids and my husband.  My husband has suffered through all the Stanley S..t with me.  He's watched my blood pressure rise after a phone call.  He's watched me spend too much money and too much time trying to make sure he doesn't fail at being a "grownup".  And yet he continues to fail.  It was his choice to keep coming back to my parents for money and shelter.  And they never turned him away.  But I have now had to.  I apologize to my Mom for my choice, but I want my own life now and I think at the age of almost 70, I deserve it.

That's the long way to describe what was happening at the beginning of the year.  Since then, my husband and I have been having fun!  We've been planning our year in trips.  We just got back from the Eastern Caribbean, a cruise on the huge Royal Caribbean ship The Oasis of the Seas.  Next we'll go to Utah where his mother lives and take his Mom and her sister to Las Vegas.  We'll have a couple of months at home before I go to England again, to visit not only my son's family but my oldest daughter and her husband who are also moving there!  Her husband is going to work for the American School and they'll be there for at least 2 years.  So even if my son moves back to the States we'll have an excuse to go to England again.  We'll drive all the way to Bowling Green, Kentucky. Later in the year we'll go on a cruise to Hawaii and in between we'll take short road trips.  2014 will be a great, traveling fun year.

My life is looking up since that hard decision I made.  It's all mine now.  And my brother can find his own life, however hard that might be.