Preparing

I feel it's time for me to ready myself for the loss of my dear friend, Jim, or Fossil Guy, as he is known to blogger friends. He has stopped eating and maybe that's his way of saying, "I am done". Who knows what goes on in the minds of people who know their time is short--he even called himself a short-timer recently and the other day when I was visiting he said, "I don't have to do anything anymore". I have known for a year that Jim would die, but I have kept the deep feelings of loss at bay, trying to keep the stiff upper lip, the good attitude, the calm exterior. But it is too obvious now--he is much thinner, his thought processes are slower, his complexion is gray, his voice is thinned and higher.

The only thing I can think to do is to keep visiting, to be there for Bookworm, to remember all the times through all the years we've been together--to help sustain me. Yesterday I was so sad and then angry that it had to be Jim. Why couldn't my useless brother be the one? I was shocked at the thought, but in fact, Jim has been closer to me and more important to me than my own brother. For 40 years he has always been out there, 10 years ahead of me exactly. Our birthdays are 2 days apart. When I have been anxious about a point in my life he has always had wise words for me, from 10 years more experience. Who will be able to do that for me when he is gone? Who will be able to diffuse a worry with a few words of rye wit? Who will be able to put the crazy political/social landscape into perspective like Jim can? Who do I have the history with?There is nobody like him and there never will be. I have to prepare to lose the solidity, the calmness, the intelligence of him. I know I will never be ready.