Insights in Odd Places

The NYC Writer's Agent is on the left--You could have spotted her, I'm sure

Maybe this doesn't happen to you, I've never asked. Do you ever see a scene in a movie, read a sentence in a book or hear a line on a TV show that throws you for a loop, sends your brain to places it's never been before, clarifies an issue you've had in the back of you mind? It happens to me sometimes and it happened last night in the oddest way.

Michael had to go to bed early because he was so tired from working overtime and so I decided to watch an episode of "Men in Trees" that I had recorded. This series is sometimes pretty silly, but it's nice, light entertainment and I like to look at Jack, the hunky, handsome boyfriend of the main character. For those of you who haven't seen it, the story is set in Elmo, Alaska (fictional town) and the premise is that Maryn (Merrin? Merin? Meryn?) is a writer about relationships who has gotten herself stranded in Elmo and then ends up staying and putting roots down with Jack, a naturalist. The program is winding up because it hasn't been renewed. A little too silly to catch on, I guess.

Anyway, there is a relationship on the program between an outdoorsy Alaskan man and a New York City agent (Maryn's writing agent). Their relationship is one of the silliest and most unbelievable ones on the show; at least it seemed that way until I watched the episode last night. They have been going back and forth about where to live--Alaska or NYC--and can he live in a city and can she live in an extraordinarily wild and unsophisticated Elmo. He went to NYC, where they actually got married, and got a job as a garbage man. But in last night's episode they are heading back to Elmo in an RV. All along there has been conflict between the characters because they are opposites. Last night it was conflict and different attitudes towards money, one of the Big Three Issues, as we all know, in relationships. The Alaskan was thrifty, planning a route to Elmo that stopped only at "Potatoville" restaurants along the way. The NYC agent wife was snobbish about the baked potatoes at every food stop, though she was trying to go along with his plan. Finally, though, when he had loaded per purse with rolls and butter from the restaurants, she blew. "We have plenty of money! We don't need to eat at these cheap places! We don't need to be taking this RV, we could have flown first class! Do you realize how much money I have?!" He gets perturbed with her and instead of clamming up, which non-
TV character men might have done, this guy pulls over, gets two slips of paper and asks her to right down her worth and he writes down his. They exchange the papers. The look on her face tells us she thinks her worth is much larger than his and the look on her face when she looks at his paper tells us that she is wrong. She is incredulous and says, "How did you get this much?"

This is the "insight moment" for me, because my husband and I have had many, many confrontations about his "thriftiness" and what seems to me like unreasonable economy. I have gotten used to the beef sandwiches at Arbeys, but understanding it is hard for me when I'd much rather go to the Waterfront Bakery and have a piece of quiche. I've gotten used to the obsessive researching before buying anything with a tag over $50 when I'd much rather make a snap decision.

To the question, "how did you get this much?", we all knew the answer. "I don't have to economize, but I CHOOSE to. Let me show you the picture of this house I've always wanted to buy." He showed her a gorgeous, rambling house with porches all around it. He said, "And now I can afford to buy it for you". Ahhhhh, sweet. But for me, it was the lightbulb turning on. Perhaps I couldn't HEAR my husband saying almost these exact words to me, because I know he's said them. Maybe it had to be someone else, a character in a silly show, or a therapist could have said them to me. Whatever the case, no matter how I heard the words, coming from another source, they got into that part of my brain that changes behavior--that part that lets me open my eyes a little wider. My husband is very frugal and some poeple look at that and wonder how I can stand it. They've said so. But the fact is, he gives me incredible presents vacations and his worth is high for a civil servant--a worth he could never have attained unless he was careful and saved. We will have a successful, easy retirement because of him. I knew these things but I didn't KNOW them, I didn't accept that the results had to depend on the means.

How odd that a breif part of an entertainment series could have grabbed my attention in the way this program did. Boing! Understanding flew in like a bird through an open window. I got it.